The monotony of motherhood

I just rocked the baby to sleep and put him in his crib. Before that I nursed him, I burped him, I changed him, I swaddled him. I’ve already been back upstairs twice because his pacifier fell out. I rocked him again and put him back in his crib. It will start all over in 45 minutes or an hour.

The reason I didn’t call this post ‘The monotony of parenthood’ has nothing to do with alliteration. I do most of the feeding, the diapering, the putting down, the wiping of faces, the ordering of baby supplies. It’s just how it is in our house. Every night between 1 am and 5 am I lift my heavy body out of bed. I put on my glasses and tie my hair back. I walk the 15 or so steps to the baby’s room. I pick up the crying baby and a burp cloth. I turn on the lamp. We sit on the bed in his room. I nurse him, I burp him, I change him, I swaddle him. Then I put him back down again.

Of course when Dada is home there’s feeding and diapering and putting down. But there’s also a lot of fun! and games! Park playing and book reading. It’s just how it is in our house.

There’s nothing smart or witty about this post. It’s a collection of thoughts and a few questions. Did I expect this? Did you? Motherhood is unlike any work I know. It’s made up of the simplest of tasks but there’s nothing simple about it. Any old idiot can do it and succeed. The smartest, most loving, most patient can struggle. It’s not about the rewards but there are plenty. There are milestones throughout motherhood, too. Just when my first born and I started to leave the house several hours a day for playdates and shopping and lunches out, my second was born. We still get out about once a day but it’s usually a short trip to the park at the end of the block. Baby is in the sling, his big sister runs throughout the playground, I watch the clock thinking about the next feeding and changing and putting down.

Maybe it’s not the monotony of motherhood that challenges me after all. Perhaps it’s the feeling that my life is “on hold” or even that I’ve taken a few steps back. It’s nearly impossible to care for two kids under 2 and do everything I did pre-children — shower, eat, write, respond to emails, run errands, remember birthdays. After I called my niece a day late to wish her happy birthday I hung my head and sobbed. I’m just so tired and so unorganized. I’m just so frustrated.

I find solace in the bittersweet reality that this is all very temporary. My children will be off to school in a few years. I won’t be nursing and rocking the baby to sleep forever. I’ll be wearing nicer clothes and having lunch dates with adults! But right now? This is my life. It will be for a while.