Poor Elise. I hope this blog is defunct by the time she’s starting to date or looking for her first job.
Our sweet monkey moo is having temper tantrums.
Let’s review. She is 23 months. Her brother arrived when she was 19 months. We moved into a new home when she was 17 months. She started nursery school at 16 months. That’s a lot of activity and change for anyone. All that aside, she’s just a normal, healthy toddler who is living a very full life. She’s speaking in full sentences. She’s communicating her needs and establishing her place in our family. She wants to do what she wants to do. She hates to hold my hand when we cross the street. She wants to play with the baby’s real pacifier and not a toy one. And don’t even think about helping her with that last scoop of yogurt in her bowl.
We took her to the doctor this morning and explained that “she’s just not herself lately.” Sure, she seems to always have a cold but something else is going on. She’s hysterical at times, almost hyperventilating. Last night I kept asking Elise, “What is wrong? What hurts?” After a very thorough exam, the diagnosis from the doctor: temper tantrums and the terrible twos.
My husband and I just looked at each other like, Huh? We just spent $25 and a miserable drive through rush hour traffic for that?
Our doctor said that consistency is key. If you always say no to cookies, then always say no to cookies. If a temper tantrum is happening, IGNORE it. We can also start timeouts, he said. (For the record, we have a “quiet chair” where Elise can read books until she’s ready to join us again.)
I’ve called a family meeting (parents only) so Nolan and I can get on the same page. Do we let her play with her brother’s paci? Is she allowed to take a sippy cup of water to bed with her? How do we handle the throwing of toys? I’m looking forward to this meeting. I already have a running list of topics to discuss.
Here’s where I’m stuck: I’m questioning my judgement as a parent. I went with my gut and it landed us in the doctor’s office with a diagnosis of: you’re being fooled by your 2-year-old. Sure, I ruled out a sickness. Smart. But I’ve got a long road of parenting ahead. How did you handle the toddler years? Any good books or websites I should be reading? Or do I throw the books away and continue to go with my gut? I don’t get offended by unsolicited advice. In fact, I’m soliciting advice!
A note to my sweet Elise: Look at you, you are gorgeous and smart. You are kind to your brother and sweet to your friends. I love you so very much. But the tantrums? They hurt my heart. I want to scoop you up and hold you but I can’t. And I won’t. And I think you’ll be a better person because of it.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
I love your honesty! I can’t wait to read people’s advice.
I’ve been feeling the same way with our 3.5 year old son so I’ve been reading a lot of parenting books. “Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to 6 Years” by Jim and Charles Fay gives great strategies that are easy to use and effective. Good Luck to you!
It is hard for them when the new baby comes. I remember potty training Luke when Tommy was a few months old. I asked Luke if he had to potty. He told me no. Not even two minutes later, he peed ALL over the floor and when I yelled and then cried in frustration, he looked at me and laughed. I felt so awful at that moment, but it got better. It will for you guys too, I promise.
Ahh, Kate. How vividly I remember your temper tantrum at the grocery store when you were a little over 2. I had also gotten the advice about ignoring it. You were on the floor of the store screaming and I just walked away with my cart. You stopped immediately and came running after me. It was the last temper tantrum you ever had. So, yes, you need to ignore as much as you can and be very consistent. Don’t give in. It’s very hard and frustrating but it will pay off big time in the future. After all look how good you turned out!
Anna hated the street thing, too. I told her “You hold my hand or I carry you. That’s the rule.” You have to be very clear and VERY concise. Then do it. Not sometimes. Always. And repeat the rule every time–whatever you decide the rule is. Now she stops at streets and says, “Mama, hand.” Rules are not a theory. They are a practice. And both of you have to practice.
As for the tantrums, I totally agree. As long as she is safe, and everyone else is safe, let her have her tantrum. When she learns they get no attention, she’ll stop. It works with 4 year olds, too.
And another word of advice my aunt likes to give, “Don’t pray for patience. God makes you earn it.”
Miss you so much! Hope to see you soon.
I stumbled upon your blog and enjoy it tremendously, as my daughter must be almost the same age as your Elise and shares many of the same tendencies! Since I don’t have a blog for you to read and gain comfort from as I do from yours (it always reminds me that I am not alone!) – simply know that you are not alone! Miss Jean down in Bucktown won’t hold my hand, goes from angel to demon in seconds, completely frustrates me, and charms our socks off. Ah, toddlers. (Also, though I haven’t read it yet I have had Love and Logic recommended to me, and also Your Two Year Old: Terrible or Tender.)
Oh lady, I have been there. And I agree with your doctor. Consistency is totally the key. It’s also the hardest thing for us as parents. Sometimes it’s just easier to give them the cookie 2 minutes before dinner than it is to fight about it, especially when you having a baby on your hip too.
I guess the only other advice that I have would be if you are going to do timeouts, take away the books. A timeout shouldn’t be enjoyable for her (I’m assuming she’s like Jack and LOVES books). Jack is three and we do timeouts for 3 or 4 minutes (sometimes 5 if I need a few minutes to breath deeply). I would start out with 2 or 3 minutes. Another thing that we have always done is sit down with him when the timeout is over and explain why he was in timeout. Now that he’s a bit older, I make him tell me why he was in timeout. Then I tell him that I love him and give him a hug.
Oh, and I just thought of one other thing. We are big on praise. If we go someplace and he is well behaved, I tell him how good he was and that I am proud of him. I’m not big on rewards for good behavior, but sometimes we do little rewards (milkshake, a drive past a duck pond etc) but I regularly tell him that I’m proud of his good behavior.
The toddler years can be tough. I promise that you will survive!
First of all: your mom’s comment wins the internet.
Second of all: it’s a gift that Elise is able to communicate so well. With both boys, I always found it helped when, after a tantrum, we could get them to say what they were feeling or what they wanted. We’d also have them repeat statements that we’d feed them, such as, “I will not scream and cry.” For Colin especially this was helpful, because to this day he refuses to say things he doesn’t mean. So when we get him to say something, he’s accepted it as truth. For the moment, at least.
I too found your blog while trying to find parenting and pregnancy advice and find reading your posts so helpful. My daughter will be 4 in February and I still daily wonder if I am being consistent enough or good enough to ensure she grows into a well rounded loving person. I don’t have much to offer as I too feel very self conscious about whether I am doing the right thing about 60% of the time. I have read several books and really the underlining themes seem to come across in each book regardless of who wrote it or what the title is. My best advice for you is to follow your gut and just keeping working. It’s a 2 year olds job to push for independence and it’s your job to help her gain independence while still staying safe and following the rules you put in place. I find that a quiet spot is just as good as a time out. I guess we all need a few moments to compose ourselves and relax. Hopefully this advice helps a bit, though not sure it does. Have a wonderful day!