After I delivered Elise the doctor brought her to my chest and announced that she was a girl. I was shocked. Perhaps I had anticipated a boy so I didn’t have to face the fear of raising a girl. A someday woman, wife, mother and friend who will learn from this right-now woman, wife, mother and friend. It’s an awesome and terrifying responsibility.
I look at her. She looks at me. I see a lot of myself but …
I also see her own-ness shining through.
I’ve been quiet lately. It happens when I just don’t know what to say. I don’t have the answers. I’m sleep deprived and frustrated. I’m struggling with parenting choices and guilt that I’m not enjoying Tristan enough. I kiss his china doll face a dozen times a day and smell his sweet head but I secretly wish he were 5 years old. I wish he could just tell me what is wrong.
I find it strange when people say that they knew their family wasn’t complete after the birth of a child. Right now, my family of four is complete. If we have more children, we’ll be complete then too. I think they call this “living in the present” although I’m guilty of wondering what the future holds. If money, space and health weren’t issues we’d have more children. My heart says yes, everything else says no.
The other night I lay in bed alone thinking about my family. The love, oh, the love. It is painful. It gives me the biggest high. It makes me feel guilty. It makes me proud of myself. It makes me examine my behavior, my mortality, my other loves. The non-parental kind. It makes me want to do a better job.
This love is hard.
This love is oh so worth it.
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All photos by the very talented Chicago Family Photographer Julia Franzosa.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Your refreshing honesty, deep emotions and those drop dead gorgeous pictures made this my absolute very favorite blog post of yours. Thank you for the reminder to live for the moment. I needed that.
You have beautiful family! I can see the love in these wonderful pictures.
Ditto Erin. Beautiful family! Elise is starting to look more like Nolan, I think. And Tristan is precious. Try to love even the difficultness. It might turn out to be quite a strength as he gets older. And he WILL get older.
This is so thoroughly beautiful, as is your family. It’s funny, that struggle between feeling complete as a family and feeling incomplete as a parent. It’s never been that difficult feeling content with the family I had, even when we hoped for more children. But feeling satisfied in the moment of where I am as a father? Not so easy.
Oh Kate, this choked me up so! Your family is beautiful. YOU are stunning. As are your words. I wish we could get together everyday.
Steph
“I find it strange when people say that they knew their family wasn’t complete after the birth of a child.” Me too. It always makes my heart just a bit sad for that baby, like it was just a means to the next baby that *may* make it feel complete? I love your beautiful family, Kate. I am so thankful that I found you. You’re one of those people others just want to be around, because you have this electric soul. You are a mother and a friend that I look up to. Thank you for all your kindness and love lately; it means more than you’ll ever know.