The next time someone tells me to enjoy my children because they grow up so fast I will punch them in the face. Or, how about this one? When I think about how tough other people have it, I feel better about my life. Yeah, that’s classic.
It’s Tuesday at 8:04 p.m. and I’ve just completed another 12 hours of solo parenting. After I fed and bathed the kids and put them to bed I cleaned the litter box, watered the garden, washed the dishes and folded three loads of laundry. (And before you roll your eyes, let me just tell you that I’m rolling my own eyes. At me. I’m even annoyed with me that I’m feeling this sorry for myself.)
Last week was five days (and evenings) in a row of solo parenting. This week we’ll probably have another five. Weekends are better – I almost always have help – but then the week starts all over again way too soon.
Today was especially bad. I don’t even remember why but all of a sudden I had to step away from Elise. I gave myself a time out. I was even annoyed with the baby today. HE’S A BABY. HE’S THE CUTEST BABY EVER AND CAN DO NO WRONG.
I’m angry, folks. ANGRY. And I’m no psychologist but when you tell me to enjoy every moment or think of the single mothers or working mothers or people who have it far worse than I do it is discouraging me from OWNING MY FEELINGS. And owning my feelings – stating them, processing them – is healthy. It’s better for everyone. It helps me to realize things like, I’m not taking care of myself right now. I don’t have enough breaks. I’m not eating well or exercising enough. Do I have work/life balance? What is work/life balance? When’s the last time I shared my feelings with my spouse? Did he and I ever talk about what a SAHM would entail? Did he know that accepting this job would make him a part-time parent?
And when I can feel those things, process those things, answer those questions (or some of those questions), I’m a better person. I’m a better mom. I’m a better wife. The anger, it disappears.
Oh, and those moments I’m supposed to enjoy with my kids? Let me tell you that when Elise steps out of the bathtub every night and into my arms, her hair is the best smelling hair I have ever smelled in my entire life. She is warm and sweet and for two minutes she lets me hold her like a baby. And Tristan? EVERYTHING he does is adorable. Everything. I spoil that child rotten because he is the sweetest little angel with the cutest four teeth. Every time he looks at me and smiles my heart explodes.
So, yeah, let me take something back – go ahead and tell me to enjoy those moments. Because I do. I promise I do. But also tell me it’s ok to sometimes feel sad and angry and exhausted and frustrated with my life, with my job, because it’s normal and healthy. And I’m a better mom because of it.
The end.
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Your life must not be too hard or you wouldn’t have time to write blog posts. Lucky.
(Totally kidding. I feel incredibly sorry for myself every time my husband has to go out of town. Even though I know some moms have it much harder.)
I can totally relate. I only have one little right now but my husband (an accountant) is in classes three evenings a week leaving me to solo parent those days. I’m dreading tax season when he’s gone six days a week for almost four months. Thanks for being honest and raw. Parenting is the greatest joy but also one of the hardest jobs in the world.
You might like this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html?
As a father of two under 2 I struggle with not being able to be around for sure.
If not for my wife’s AMAZING parents we’d be a hot mess.
Takes a village!
My advice…watch some good quality TV!!!
I get in the habit of listing out the challenges like I had a hard birth, I work full-time and go to grad school part-time, etc. Sometimes I feel guilty but other times I think damnit, this is hard and it’s OK for me to be stressed/angry/tired. When I give my permission to feel whatever I want, I feel more normal and it’s easier to get back to that happy place.
Completely agree and can relate 100%. I have two a year apart and my husband has traveled continously since they first was born. It’s hard. I’m consistently surprised by how taken aback people are when I admit it is hard and I don’t live in mommy bliss 24 hours a day/7days a week. You painted the reality of motherhood for many of us. Well done.
Believe me, I can relate. My husband is in the U.S. Army and is currently deployed to Afghanistan and will be gone for 9 months. Now the solo parenting is very hard at times and overwhelming and there are days that I just want to run away from my kids because they are driving me crazy. But, this time it has been harder to deal with because they are a little older and notice how long he has been gone and everyday it is sadness and tears because they miss him. So the thing that I struggle with is taking time out for myself because they are having major abandonment issues. But I have started to not worry about getting things perfect and clean in an orderly fashion like I always have. I wait till they go to sleep so I can focus more attention on them and give them more hugs and kisses and reassure them that everything is going to be okay and that Daddy loves them very much and will be home as soon as he can. I’ve been married to a soldier for almost 12 years and it never gets any easier, but it just becomes part of a normal routine. Hang in there!
I swear, I could’ve written this blog post, lol. This is how I feel at the end of every day. My husband works nights 5 days a week, so it’s just me and 3 kids most of the time. That leaves me to do, not only school needs and bedtime routines, but also all the running required for the oldest 2 who both play sports. It’s exhausting, but so nice to know I’m not the only one who feels this way.
My husband and I are actually considering a move to another state AND entering into the arrangement you guys have. Him travelling 3 days a week and me staying home. Fortunately, our son is older so the stressors of part-time single parenting would be less. I can imagine how frustrated you get sometimes. I did the single-parent-of-a-toddler thing for awhile. It’s exhausting.
Amen sister! And definitely read Glennon Melton’s “Don’t Carpe Diem.” You’ll probably cry. I see someone posted it in a comment above. I was going to do the same until I saw it there already. You can also find her on momastery.com.
Today I discovered Sesame Street, On Demand. Ok, I discovered it this weekend. Whatever. I discovered. And it’s beautiful.
So well put! Even though I just have one (11 months old) and I have part-time help and the help of grandparents and a Dad who’s home every night, it can still feel like this. No one is should feel ashamed to feel how they feel, regardless of how good we may have it compared to others. Motherhood is a huge, gigantic upheaval than changes life forever and while there are many joys, there are challenges too. We should allow ourselves to feel all the different parts of i.
This is beautiful, and it is ABSOLUTELY ok to feel those things – to be a human being. I read a post recently on the NYT’s Motherlode blog about the importance of letting our kids know that they don’t need to be happy all the time. Sometimes they’ll be sad, or angry, and that’s ok. They need us to tell them that, and we need to tell it to ourselves, too.
Another great entry….I think as Moms we think we aren’t suppose to have negative feelings sometimes. I can say that I have a 4 month old and there are times that is is beyond frustrating, when you do not get enough sleep or exercise enough. My husband works 12 hr days and if he is home I am working…it is struggle. I agree that owning your feelings and expressing them in words is important!